How Synthetic We’ve Become

Samantha tells me I sweat too much and I know this is true, it’s August and when I walk to my car after work the drips run right down my sides, and if I wipe my brow my eyes sting. But there’s a fix for this, Johnson & Johnson makes a bodywash – for men – with aluminum zirconium tetrahydrochlorate, an antiperspirant that forms gel-like plugs in all of my sweat-ducts. My morning routine is shower, then brush my teeth with an electric toothbrush and use teeth-whitening mouthwash. I know there’s fluorosilicic acid in the water to keep our teeth white, but even so. I keep my appearance top-notch, because Samantha and I are moving up in the world.

We work out at the same gym. At different times though usually. I take creatine supplements infused with 4-hydroxy-isoleucine and another pre-workout supplement that dilate my cardiovascular system so that my muscles receive more oxygen and blood. Samantha has been taking the new ‘Viagra for women’, to match my own enhanced libido. I’ve elected to receive monthly testosterone treaments.

Samantha and I eat healthy. No McDonald’s. We buy enriched cereals containing almost all of the vitamins and minerals we need each day. We don’t worry much about folic acid though, because it’s required that all bread is already folic acid enhanced. We take Centrum as well, and go to Whole Foods for other more specific dietary supplements.

We save money where we can (we’re looking into flats downtown). When we purchase produce we look for the fruits and veggies with the thicker coatings of wax. The wax contains the presevatives and pesticides that keep our produce fresher, longer. When we’re home and have unpacked our groceries, we additionally spray our produce with Difenoconazole, a common agricultural fungicide, to further prevent decay.

On the weekends we scrub our townhouse with triclosan-based cleaners and Clorox, and use Lysol disinfectants to clean the air. We are expecting a baby soon in a month, and would like the baby not to get sick. We’ve even planned to accelerate the recommended vaccination plan – 128 shots by the time he (she?) is 18 months.

Samantha and I tan three times a week.

I’m prescribed a mixture of Aderol and Welbutrin to keep me focused at the job I love. These worked well when I was diagnosed with ADD in elementary school, and continue to do so. I take Oxycontin for my constant migraines, an incurable disorder caused by dilated blood-vessels near my brain – that, or because I’ve had the misfortune of twice (twice!) catching a ‘super-bug’, though I regularly take antibiotics so I don’t get the flu. I also eat lots of poultry.

I work in politics for a company called ConAgra. My job is to help make the food-supply more resistant to insects, diseases, drought, synthetic herbicides, and direct sunlight. The goal is to make food more affordable. I understand this a lot, because Samantha and I too are on a budget, which is why we’ve been using formaldehyde instead of skin lotion.

I’ve also been keeping up on the markets. I have a bluetooth I listen to financial news on. Siri reads the news to me, and when I don’t understand a word Siri explains the definition. I can’t say I’ve retained much. But I am looking forward to economic recoveries. The central bank is going to re-manipulate the interest-rates, the economy is finally going to be overhauled by Congress, and new incentives are going to encourage borrowing and spending and money-creation. I am hopeful these new things will get society back to its natural balance.


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