Trying To Find Simplicity As A Father

(Post 2/2)

… What it all amounts to, the mania produced beneath The Main Road, is the desire to explore the side-routes, to Pioneer the Alleys (Post 1/2).

But I’d decided, exactly four years ago camping in a bush along the Beautiful Foreign Coast of LA, that to pursue a Beat life is to travel a side-road already paved. That no one needs another Beatnik – we already know what lies that way, much better to get back on the Main Road, work the horse-power to an eager steam and plow the pick-up down the next exit where the road hasn’t been cleared. That hitchhiking alleys (Please, someone, please, start a hitchhiking blog, real-time posting account of the Beauty that’s still there) and blowing my heart into gutters on drink and madness and molly wasn’t going to change anything – it’s all been done.

What I choose was Ego, Will-Power – to Push Through the mindless Main Road traffic and barge down a new path. What I decided was to affect my will on the world – I choose against a beautiful, simple heart.

Which now sounds greasy. Unpleasant. Egotistic, disgusting, personally disappointing. I don’t like it. I don’t like having to work full-time jobs. I don’t like having to deal with credit scores, rent, utility bills, debt collectors. I absolutely love having a wife and child. And it isn’t distaste for the responsibility, it’s the distaste of having to Impose myself in the name of that responsibility.

What I need is openness. I want to spill all I have onto tables full of friends. I want to engage the world by disengaging from it. I don’t need a return to drinking, a return to abuse of substance and self – even as Ken Kesey (Merry Prankster Pioneer of LSD) put it, We Need To Go Beyond Acid. I don’t need intoxication to let my will be free.

But I can’t do it right now. We have nothing. We have car payments and rent and debt and a god damn credit score; I have to finish my degree. I have to work full-time. I have to crush my heart to the demands of capital – I have to assert my will on the world and my will only wants to be free.

We’re going to have a small house in the woods. I’m going to wander trails barefoot with my children. I’m going to read about the Universe and ponder on a fishing boat. I am going to be simple. I am going to want nothing: we are going to have everything we need, the bare necessities, and we won’t have to worry about money or jobs or car payments or credit. Because I am going to publish novels. I am going to write us into simplicity, and we are going to abandon the Main Road and open our Blessed Exit to all those Alley Souls maddened in the Main Road traffic.

And I’m going to hitchhike again.

 

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